Written by StubbornGorilla
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Thursday, 22 January 2015

image for Misunderstood Practice of Siphoning Air From Footballs To Genitals Gets Patriots Into Trouble
Easily mistaken for a scrotum

The New England Patriots have been wrongfully accused of trying to cheat the team reports.

In what has ridiculously been dubbed "Deflate gate" the team has been accused of deflating the footballs after referee inspections to make them easier to catch in the consistently bad weather of New England.

"Not true" stated Chairman and CEO Robert Kraft. "Our boys just need a little help down below, if you know what I mean."

When asked to clarify Kraft deferred questions to Director of Player Personnel, Nick Caserio, "We didn't realize that we were impacting the game by transferring a little air to the balls of our players that needed it from the football. It was just a convenient air source. When you're on the sideline during a game it's not like there is readily available air just lying around."

Wide receiver Julian Edelman confirmed that, "Some of the boys just didn't feel like their balls were big enough, so they'd just pump a little extra air into them from the footballs. We really had no intention or understanding that a deflated football might impact the game."

Many of his teammates were equally baffled by the idea that using air from footballs to inflate their genitals could possibly impact the game.

"Hey fellas, I have a supermodel at home who gets pampered by a half dozen personal spa specialists while she breast feeds. You need a little bit of an edge to be able to compete with that." stated star quarterback, Tom Brady.

Defensive tackle Vince Wilfork added, "Do you know how hard it is to keep my balls proportional to my stomach? That's hard work man!"

Running back, LaGarette Blount admitted that he walked out on the Pittsburgh Steelers because, "they were greedy with their air. It's nice to get back to home-sweet-home where they know how to share."

Asked about his involvement, tight end Rob Gronkowski stated, "Me no need air from balls. Gronk balls big like Gronk hands!"

After picking his nose for a moment Gronkowski added, "Gronk want to party now. Take shirt off to get pretty girl."

Asked if he partook in any air siphoning, tight lipped coach Bill Belichick would only say, "It takes a lot to keep the home fires burning when you are rocking a cut off hoodie."

President Jonathan Kraft summed up the whole situation, and clarified it as just a big misunderstanding, "With all of the overly-complicated rules that the commissioner's office has been flooding the NFL with it has become easier and easier to get caught with your pants down, so to speak.

"Sometimes innocent and unrelated actions can become misconstrued as a blatant attempt to gain some unfair advantage in a football contest. That is what happened here. We don't have any cheaters on this team or within our organization.

"Perhaps some of us should use a little better judgement as to where we find the means to pump ourselves up, but an inflated ego does not a cheater make."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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