Written by David Geddes
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Sunday, 7 December 2014

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Koolaid

In a move that no one has prepared for, the Kool-Aid Man has been banned from all stadium events, especially football and hockey events, across North America and the UK effective immediately. In a press release, event organizers cited concerns over player and fan safety, saying that bottles and cans have been banned from the stands for years so this is simply a logical extension of that policy. "Look," said an Event Planner speaking on condition of anonymity, "we're just acknowledging what no one wants to talk about -- namely that the Kool-Aid Man is one very large and dangerous glass drinking vessel. If an irate fan threw him onto the playing surface there's no telling what could happen. He might kill someone or worse. He might even start running around at a crucial moment in the game. We can't have that!"

The Kool-Aid Man's long time friend, agent, and custodian scoffs at these assertions, "come on, the Kool-Aid Man is a class act. He's not going to start running around in the middle of the field. And he certainly wouldn't let himself get thrown on the field by some irate fan. I don't wanna say nothin' incriminatin' about my buddy but he was once accosted by a Coke machine and, well let me tell you, by the time it was all over that Coke machine woulda wished he had taken the Pepsi Challenge instead -- if you catch my drift. Hey besides, no one or two or even three drunk fans would have the strength to pick up the Kool-Aid man. He's a bit sensitive so he won't tell me, but he's gotta be holding at least a 100 gallons. At about 8 and a half pounds a gallon, you do the math. And that's not even countin' that big jug of his.

Naw I'll tell you, this is about the money. The stadium owners are afraid of competition. Not that the Kool-Aid Man would be sharing his cool and delicious goodness inside an event 'cause that's illegal. No, they're scared his mere presence will cause people to demand Kool-Aid instead of their own sky-high priced inferior beverages. It's not fair, the fans get stiffed at the canteen and the Kool-Aid Man pays the ultimate price. Well this ain't done yet. He doesn't need a door like most people. Ya he has a habit of breaking down barriers and showing up when you least expect it."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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