NEW YORK--In an attempt to deal with domestic violence cases which have blackened the reputation of his league, as well as to forestall the further growth of class-action suits pertaining to dementia, concussions and other disorders by National Football League players, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is considering replacing the players with plastic robots operated by preschoolers, a number of memos obtained by this staff writer have revealed.
No longer would players be out on the fields each Sunday, Monday or Thursday risking their necks, spines or heads. According to Goodell's plans, they would be operating plastic humanoid figures which resemble football players, possibly in a stadium's press box, the sky boxes or even from overhead catwalks.
Moreover, the players operating the robots would not resemble Joe Namath, Brett Favre, Bart Starr or Roger Staubach-they would look more like Rick Moranis or Bill Gates, probably pimpled, with horn-rimmed glasses attached with duct tape. "The future NFL quarterbacks will not be jocks-they will be nerds, the geeks, the dorks," noted Goodell in a memo to a team owner, which was obtained by this reporter.
With that in mind, NFL team owners would make sure they weren't prone to sex or violence. Preferably, they would be no younger than age three and no older than age five. "No one will want to have anything to do with them except their parents. In fact, most of them will retire from the leagues before they start kindergarten," noted the draft of another memo which would go to the players' parents.
The players being sought by Goodell would have to be recognized as champions of such video games as Football Manager 2011®, Galaga®, Dungeons and Dragons®, Tomb Raider® or StarCraft®. A hallmark of the humanoid-robot NFL would be that girls would be allowed to play alongside the boys, noted Goodell, who cited the popularity of the Tomb Raider games and movies. "Lara Croft has inspired many female video game players," Goodell noted in another memo. "She would make a great running back-if she were real."
On the other hand, FarmVille® or SimCity® players probably would not be welcomed as NFL players, except perhaps to keep score, referee and to run the stadiums, screens and concession stands. The same is true with professional hackers. "They might be necessary to help us keep track of players who might break into the programs of other teams in the new NFL," Goodell stated in a memo to his but the position of hacker will NOT be recognized on any of our team rosters!" he declared in a memo to NFL legal counsel.
Sources close to Goodell say that he came up with the idea of robotic football players at a garage sale when he saw a dusty old Rock'em, Sock'em® Robot game, in which two robots engaged in combat inside a boxing ring, while the kids operating the robots stayed outside. At the same garage sale, Goodell saw an electronic NFC football game set with a vibrating table. "And the rest is history," noted John York, a co-owner of the San Francisco 49ers, which would be among the first to transition from human to robotic players. (The team would be known as the San Jose Light Sabers, York added.)
Recruiting players might be a little difficult. "It will be necessary for us to go to the obvious locales where electronics are being produced ," noted Goodell-Redmond, Washington; Silicon Valley, California; Route 128, Massachusetts; Dulles Technology Corridor, Virginia and even Waterloo, Ontario. "Some of those kiddies-err, potential players are already making six-figure salaries teaching the grownups how to use PCs, memorize passwords and develop websites. Obviously they don't want to earn half as much playing robots for the NFL," Goodell said. "Then there are those damn child labor laws. But I think those areas have some untapped talent which we could recruit. We'll just have to provide them with commercial endorsements for such products as Nestle's Quik® chocolate milk and Kellogg's Sugar Frosted Flakes. That should do the job."