Written by Jaime Tyler
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Topics: Sports, Arrests

Friday, 15 August 2014

ATLANTA, Ga: Atlanta Metro are still trying to piece together an unlikely chain of events that occurred late Thursday Evening inside of a Hooters downtown. Dan Uggla, who was recently released by the Atlanta Braves, apparently had a little too much to drink. Servers and patrons claim that Uggla began chugging beers and smashing the pint glasses on his forehead when a gentleman at a table nearby claimed he could easily out bench the stocky middle infielder.

Uggla then proceeded behind the bar and began lifting and tossing full beer kegs throughout the restaurant, with no regard for human life. Luckily no one was injured but plenty of the servers were shaken up. "It was terrifying," Aliza Manfield, a Hooters employee, explained as the rest of the girls were cleaning up. "He was jumping on tables like a little garden gnome on steroids; it was terrifying."

There was one server who claimed Dan hit her right before he ran out the door. When asked about the alleged assault, an officer would only comment, "I don't really believe that, I haven't seen that guy hit anything all year. We are looking into the possibility of an attempted assault charge, since he more than likely swung and missed."

Uggla was picked up several hours later at a nearby 24-7 Fitness with little incident. A police report states that Mr. Uggla was not happy officers did not allow him to make a protein shake before being booked for the night.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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