Written by E. Williams
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Monday, 11 August 2014

Bristol, CT - Hank Williams Jr., Max Kellerman and Stephen A. Smith are only a few of the recipients of ESPN's rash of suspensions or firings, handed out after each made comments deemed politically incorrect by the sports network.

So, as a preemptive action to satisfy all critics, present and future, the network took things up a level today, issuing the following statement:

"ESPN is hereby suspending ALL employees for one week, effective immediately, for any racist or insensitive remarks they may make in the future, or those made in the past that will come to light at a later date.

We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause our millions of viewers, but we feel being politically correct is a higher calling than simply doing our job of broadcasting sporting events to our fans around the world.

In the interim, we suggest fans either attend sporting events in person, watch online through other outlets, or ask your friends on social media to share scores, highlights and comments with you.

We realize that as politically correct as ESPN has become over the years, it is just a matter of time before every employee, from our big-name anchors to 'camerapersons' to people who write our scripts, says something that offends somebody somewhere.

We feel it is in our fans best interest if we punish all of our employees during this time, before football season begins, to avoid a potential disaster in the future when we might have to be off the air at a time when people actually care about what they're watching on ESPN.

We will see everyone in one week, barring any breaking news on a possible change in the name of the Washington Redskins organization, in which case we will break in as a favor to our huge Native American tribal elder viewing bloc."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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