Written by Jack Allen
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Saturday, 2 August 2014

image for Inner Circle Football Betting Made A Crime

Football players and coaches are furious about new legislation that prevents them from betting on any football related activity, with one player already stating, "if only we had friends to pass our inside knowledge onto."

With footballers and coaches continuing to be underpaid in a tough economic climate, some have previously turned to the reliable world of gambling to raise their income. However, after high profile cases such as Michael Chopra, Paul Merson, Keith Gillespie and other tossers giving gambling and footballers a bad name, the FA have landed a blow to all those that dedicate themselves to the worthwhile craft that is modern football. The new rules state that betting, in any form, by a player or coach will not be tolerated. The first person to talk about the new rules is the last person in line to give Anton Ferdinand's best man speech.

"It says that I cannot bet on football with friends", said Rio Ferdinand, who has garnered 758 complaints from BBC viewers who refuse to use inconsistent subtitles and need to lip read. "If I had a friend and also had the technology to inform them of what I know then I could possibly see a way around these rules. It's almost unfathomable so I'll stop dreaming. Because of these changes I might have to continue annoying the fuck out of people on the BBC to earn a crust."

As footballers and coaches speak to their agents, who are on minimum wage, about how to increase revenue in future, the acting world is supposedly world bracing itself for an influx of people who believe they can act but are more deluded than Nicklas Bendtner at the Ballon d'Or ceremony. In unrelated new, Hollyoaks begin their scouting for talent auditions at football clubs across the country next week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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