MANHATTAN -- NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that he will no longer penalize players for domestic violence, noting that consuming large doses of performance-enhancing Red Bull tarnishes the integrity of the game much more than smacking around some mouthy broad in public.
Goodell said he began second guessing himself after handing down a two-game suspension to Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice for knocking out his then-fiancee and future wife during an argument in a casino elevator. A security camera caught him dragging her out of the elevator and leaving her on the floor.
"I really have done some soul searching on this thing," said Goodell. "Ray seemed kinda sorry -- at least enough for a domestic abuser -- and he did end up marrying the chick. She's probably lucky he didn't do worse after she got all up in his face."
There will be no further suspensions or fines for domestic violence-related crimes, he noted. A suspected player, though, may be asked to settle the issue by purchasing a new Lamborghini for the alleged victim, said Goodell.
Goodell said domestic violence is just an extension of on-field intensity that all players have burning inside of them. It's probably better they release some of that off the field through a few harmless slaps, punches or chokeholds to a girlfriend, wife or hooker.
"That way, these overly aggressive players don't take their hostilities out against field goal kickers or punters," he said.
While he realizes he can't do anything to change the legal system, Goodell said he won't base his decisions on how serious a crime is considered in the "real world."
"This is the NFL, and we are own independent nation, like Florida," he noted. "Just know this -- if you take Sudafed, you'll never play in this league again!!!!"