Written by CaptainSausage
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Saturday, 19 July 2014

Five o'clock in the afternoon every weekday is an important time for any football fan. As the closing bell rings in London's Stock Exchange, they rush home to look up their team and see how they have fared in the day's trading. This week Manchester United have been confirmed as the richest club in Britain, and the third wealthiest in the world.

For Manchester United fan Barry Sheep, it has been a tough year. "I know we haven't performed very well on the pitch," he said. "But that doesn't matter because profits are high and the club is still number one in the stock market listings."

This summer United have a new owner, Mona Baggs, who has promised to deliver value for money to shareholders. She explained, "I have decided to focus our business away from the football field and towards merchandising and clothing sales. We need to be innovative in a competitive market. I envisage a future for Manchester United not as a sports team, but as a highly profitable chain of high street shops. The brand really is everything."

Ms Baggs has promised to sell off many of United's most valuable assets, such as Old Trafford and Wayne Rooney. She is confident that doing so will ensure United's future as the richest sporting franchise in the UK.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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