Written by Patrick Parkinson
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Wednesday, 16 July 2014

image for Man Utd coach Van Gaal kills Ryan Giggs with his bare hands to assert dominance over squad

It was supposed to be a milestone day for Football club Manchester United. With Dutch manager Louis Van Gaal returning from the World Cup to be presented to the United squad. However the day took an unusual turn when during a meeting with the players, Van Gaal ended his address to the staff by killing assistant coach Ryan Giggs.

"He had just finished a speech saying how happy he was to be at united" said striker Danny Welbeck "but as the applause died down he turned to Ryan and snapped his neck like a twig." Some eye witnesses fled the scene, but Midfielder Darren Fletcher saw the aftermath.

"He tore off Ryan's head and smeared his blood on his face" said Fletcher "Then stood over the former United captains corpse and shouted how he demanded respect and that no one should dare cross him."

Whilst some expressed horror at his actions today, other Van Gaal experts have shrugged it off as a "classic Van Gaal tactic". "Whilst at Barcelona Van Gaal ate the heart of three youth coaches on his first day" said dutch journalist Rob Hoolanen "it his way of establishing himself as the alpha male in the pack and it's worked at every club he's been at"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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