Details are emerging of match-fixing on all sides in preparation for today's World Cup final in Brazil. The entire World Cup is now thought to be an elaborate propaganda stunt, promoted by a resurgent Angela Merkel to assure the German people of the final economic victory. The allies, meanwhile, are thought to be only 'going along' with the charade in order to thwart the german plot at the last moment.
Plucky Brazilian construction engineers have undermined the stadium and surrounding infrastructure with crevices and tunnels to enable a quick escape for the players of the opposing team, who have only been set up for ritual humiliation.
It is believed the original plan was for the Germans to comprehensively defeat the English in the final, as their favourite old enemy. However the English foiled the plot early with the Von Staffenburg gambit mis-timed suicidal play followed by hanging themselves out to dry.
The host team meanwhile, disappointed everyone by capitulating to the germans with scarcely a shot being fired. 'They caved in like ripe camembert', conceded a disconsolate supporter.
In an attempt to diminish the morale of non-German football fans everywhere, the airwaves on Sunday are to be overwhelmed by biased and ludicrously inappropriate punditry. Lord Haw Haw and Phil Nevile have been drafted in to dispirit and eventually break the fans with their commentary by half-time.
In case the construction of the tunnels falls short of the high standards of the hosts, or worse, there is a plucky but misguided attempt at football, members of the resistance will infiltrate the crowds to instigate a pitch invasion. It is hoped that all of the opposing football team will be saved from their German oppressors, as the crowd hide their identities from the authorities by generously donating all of their of yellow shirts.