Written by Jack Allen
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Friday, 11 July 2014

Brendan Rodger's hard work this summer will be of no value as the below par footballers signed so far by Liverpool will not have to keep the bench warm, as heated benches are being installed at the end of August.

The latest additions to the historic club, who will not grace the first team without suspensions or injuries arising, will have their bench duties made obsolete when the new heated benches are installed two weeks before the new season begins.

"I can't believe it", said recent signing Rickie Lambert. "I've only written fourBilly Elliot jokes to rip Joe Allen with when we watch the game. Trying to warm my ass up during the winter months was the main thing that was going to keep me occupied!" The manager that signed him, Brendan Rodgers, is clearly more annoyed than Rickie, stating, "I was only signing them so they all had someone to huddle up to. Some sub-bonding just in case! Now they won't give a shit!"

Other players have also voiced their discontent, with some critics labelling this latest change as "the worst example of how modern footballers are pampered too much".

Danny Welbeck of Manchester United and Theo Walcott of Arsenal are both believed to be actively seeking transfers to Liverpool because of the luxurious heated benches. "Because of my goal scoring record, I'm made to sit on a metal spike when waiting to replace that balding prick," said Danny. It's why I run the way I do! I want comfort!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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