Written by Michael Balton
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Wednesday, 9 July 2014

image for World Cup souvenir lets fans control time
Shadow time is included.

Zürich, Switzerland - Busy soccer fans can now extend their hectic days with a new World Cup innovation from FIFA. Called My Time™, the futbol souvenir puts the power of soccer scheduling into the hands of ordinary spectators.

Delivered with a diamond encrusted Rolex watch and a certificate of authenticity, My Time™ provides several ways users can add everything from minutes, to hours, to years to their existence. Among the possibilities are:

Stoppage Time. Water cooler time. Nap time. Restroom time. Smoking time. All the time you wasted from 9 to 5 is added up and tacked on to the end of the day. You can use it to finally get some work done… or to have a cold one. With My Time™, the choice is yours.

Extra Time. Let's say you're really behind on the deadline for that crucial project. Just dial-up some Extra Time on your My Time™ Rolex. (This feature would have been useful at General Motors when they were designing ignition switches.)

Sausage Time. Cannibalistic soccer stars can take the time to aim for a delicacy on their next victim. Hint: the target member is below the shoulder and above the knee.

Parole Time. Players who intentionally break the back of a fellow competitor can stay out of jail free with this FIFA time warp.

Just in Time. Press the panic button on your Rolex and My Time™ will take you back 10 minutes, giving you an instant do over.

All profits generated from the sale of My Time™ will be used to install scoreboard clocks in major soccer stadiums, ensuring that the referee isn't the only one who knows what time it is.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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