After 48 years of misery, upsets, lousy performances and overpaid Rooney, England have just finished first in the World Cup!
The news has just seeped through after a donkey ridden by a Himalayan Sherpa, his five children and wife rode into Kathmandu, rushed to the local telegraph office and told the world!
England are Tiddlywink world champions!
A slightly battered St John's cross flag was raised at the British Embassy and passers by spat on it, mainly Scottish and Aussie backpackers heading towards Afghanistan hoping to participate in the Taliban offensive.
"It's a fix," they screamed, "and that Austrian git, Sepp Blatter, is as corrupt as the Quatar Sheikhs who 'backsheed' the wrong FIFA director, African warlord Mugabe!"
The English team will be given a heroes welcome when they return to normal altitude by the Gandhi family who failed miserably in the Indian election and have promised them a rip-roaring send off party just like they did when the Raj fucked off!
Rooney refused to comment but has promised to copy the tiddlywink team and win in Brazil; the donkey died laughing!