Written by Backandtotheleft
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Thursday, 12 June 2014

image for Roy and Raheem: A Lovers Tale
Back and to the Left News Way of Stopping Pirlo

Nobody knows who should play in the England team better than millions of unqualified (sometimes drunk) coaches up and down the country. The world cup and the England team unites the country in a way only declaring war on the Germans used to. Back and to the Left news has spent a lot of time around the England team in the past few months getting to know the players and management. A top bunch of people through and through, all except Chris Smalling who seemed to be suffering the after affects of a lobotomy. He twice asked one of our reporters if he'd read him a bed time story. We did, it was Goodnight Moon, we had to open the curtains to show him that the moon hadn't really gone away.

The consensus is that if whizzkid Raheem Sterling starts the tournament England's chances of winning it will go through the roof. If he doesn't then we will lose heavily to Costa Rica a country more famous for gun crime than football.

We put this question to Roy when we visited one of Rios Favelas, he was there on charity work we were there to see if the meth really was that good.

Roy (looking at us with his Koala bear grandfather face) said:

"I've listened to the British people and decided that their probably right when it comes down to Sterling. I'm going to start him against Italy."

We were shocked that Roy was being so open with us despite the fact we'd once photo shopped his head onto a zebra and posted it on several websites. We didn't do it out of malice but because we crave attention. So where would young Raheem play?

"He's going to play wide right and up front."

A sensible option we thought, his pace and trickery would destabilise-

Roy continued.

"I'm also going to use him at right back and centre half."

We tried to interject but Roy was faster.

"Raheem will also go in goal because he's the saviour of England! Without him we wouldn't even be in Brazil would we? No of course we wouldn't, he's was such an integral part of the way we qualified."

We sensed there was a little bit of hostility coming from Roy. It kinda turned us on a bit. We asked him if he was getting irritated with people telling him who should play and where.

"Of course I am. If I was a plumber I wouldn't try and fix a water system purely by using instructions laid down by a bunch of drunk idiots in a pub!"

True dat.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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