Written by CaptainSausage
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Sunday, 8 June 2014

image for World Cup 2014 - Who Will Win?
Brazil: birthplace of the bra

With only one week to go until the beginning of the World Cup in Brazil, we take a look at which teams have the best chance of winning the tournament. It is sure to be a feast of football, with plenty of tasty matches to look forward to, so let's tuck in..

Many of the games will be taking place in the jungles of Brazil, which will naturally cause a lot of difficulties. Games may have to be stopped because of piranha attacks, or because a giant spider has spun a web across the goal. So Germany with their arachnophobic goalkeeper are at a serious disadvantage.

The heat can also be a problem in the tropics, and again that should suit the other South American countries, as well as the African countries. And could I just say how marvellous it is to have African countries competing in the World Cup. Really splendid. Of course, none of them will win, but it's nice for them to come along.

The most serious challenge to winning the World Cup will of course come from rioting gun-wielding slum-dwellers in the enormous sprawling shanty towns that surround most of the stadiums. Some England players based in northern towns - such as Steven Gerrard - will be used to it, but for a lot of players it could be very frightening.

It will be critical in the event of a riot for teams to be able to run off the pitch as quickly as possible. Midfielders are likely to be first off the field, but slow-running goalies such as Argentina's El Gordo could get caught up in the action.

The other thing Brazil is known for, apart from football, is of course ladyboys. Expect Wayne Rooney not to turn up to any of the matches as he visits the world's only ladyboy megabrothel in Rio de Janeiro. England's chances in general will not be helped by the fact that one of their players, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, is in fact a posh tin of soup.

But in the end, the matches that don't get cancelled due to dangerous animals, heat or civil unrest will be decided by the referees. This being FIFA, corruption is rife and bribes are commonplace. So expect a rich but corrupt country like Russia or Qatar to win, or more likely the hosts themselves.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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