Written by Paxton Quigley
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Sunday, 8 June 2014

image for The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014: Part 6, Holiday in Miami
Raheem and Luke, come and see me

Pop? Pop? I ask you, bloody cheeky little twerps...that's what our two teenage prodigies took to calling me. Raheem and Luke, they've hardly got a hair on their collective testicles and they had the nerve to call me "Pop". In fact knowing kids these days, they probably shave their wrinkly little balls. Anyway, after the fiasco of Wednesday's 2-2 draw against Ecuador, Raheem was a bit down after his sending off, so Lamps and I as trustworthy senior pros got the nod from Roy to take him and Lukey to Disneyland Florida for the day. "Perfect", said Roy, "maybe it's just what they need, to meet Mickey and Donald, right up their street. Make sure you get them back for their bath and bedtime at 9 o'clock."

So, once we were in the old Bob McNab, with a wink to Lamps, I slipped 50 greenbacks to the driver and whispered to him to take us to where the girls are. A short while later he pulled up outside what I can only suppose they call a licensed cathouse, a grim prefab surrounded by a barbed wire fence, whether that's to keep the blokes out or the girls in, I don't know. It was called "Deep Inn" and I soon was, believe me.

Anyway, Lukey Boy and Raheem were a bit bashful when they found themselves surrounded by pneumatic ladies just in their bra and knickers, in fact some girls didn't even bother with those skimpies and just came straight on to the lovely boys, who tried hard to hide their little stiffies. It was meat and drink to Lamps and me, of course and then the youngsters let on that they hadn't yet popped their cherries. I think you know what I mean and Lamps and I felt honoured to be the facilitators of the deflowering of our England team mates, so we immediately got down to plying the two young shavers with Tequila Sunrises and they soon began to lose their inhibitions.

So it wasn't long before the four of us were in the big playroom with a gaggle of blondes, Puerto Rican and Cuban whores. Well, what team work that was. That extra hot weather training has done us the world of wonders and the kids...well they did England proud and I've got the photos to prove it.

That's why they call me "sir" now.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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