Written by Jack Allen
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Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Paper bag supermodel Carlos Tevez is missing the World Cup Finals, not because Argentina Coach Alejandro Sabella didn't choose him, but because he has decided to quit football and return to his first love of acting.

Carlos Tevez, best known in the acting world for his part as Yussef in the film Babel, quit acting shortly after the film's release to focus on his accurate shooting on the football pitch.

His surprisingly attractive Mother said today: "We (the family) are so happy that Carlos has decided to quit football. He's a top striker but we know from both football and his films, his acting is supreme. A romantic comedy role would be best as he has real life experiences being rejected by women. Also, pretending to be in so much pain you might die is a strength of his. So maybe a big role in Die Hard 6?"

Critics and celebrities have come out in force on Twitter, slating Carlos's decision to enter the world of acting.

"See you soon on Splash with the rest of us no-talents #divingspecialist - Vernan Kay

"Ugly twat who can't act available? Sorry mate, we're full" - Julia Crampsie (Casting Director - Eastenders).

"Carlos Tevez makes his acting comeback in 'The Incredible Sulk.' #godimwitty" - Xan Brooks (Guardian)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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