Written by El Capitaz
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Tuesday, 13 May 2014

image for NFL Teams Eye Proactive Name Changes to Stay Ahead of the Game
For unknown reasons, the new plan bans QBs from wearing helmets...

Executives emerged from an emergency owners meeting of the National Football League, determined to stay ahead of the pressure to adopt politically correct names, which is non-existent, except where hyped by the media.

Some teams are more under the gun than others. The scandal plagued 'Miami Dolphins', for example, are under intense pressure to demonstrate their philosophy of inclusiveness by changing their name to the 'Miami Amphibians'.

"Yeah, sure, why cater to the elitist dolphins?" Said one GM who requested anonymity. "There's lots of different species of amphibian, and keeping the name Dolphins is a slap in the face to all the frogs, turtles, snakes, and other noble races."

Having drafted the first openly gay NFL football player, the 'St. Louis Rams' are said to be in the works to change their name to 'The Trojans'--not like the USC Trojans, they were quick to point out, but rather the prophylactic.

Other teams don't feel as much pressure, but are considering the move anyway. The 'Cleveland Browns', having staked their future on first round draft pick Johnny Manziel, are said to be considering a fresh start with the name 'Neutral Colors' or possibly 'The Rainbows'.

The new political reality in the nation is evident, as the 'New England Patriots' have unofficially confirmed that they will change their name to 'The Domestic Terrorists'.

Other changes in the works are said to be the 'Oakland Raiders' to the 'Oakland Fair Traders', the 'New York Giants' to the 'New York Average Sized People Who Respect and Value Dwarves and All Other Little People'.

Some owners were said to be reluctant to go along, and reports indicate owners are considering removing Bill Bidwell from the league, for stubbornly refusing to change the name of his team from the 'Arizona Cardinals' to the 'Arizona Avialae'.

"What about the Eagles, or the Falcons?" Bidwell is said to have complained. "We can't all be named the Avialae".

Sources also confirmed that Jerry Jones is resisting the idea of his teams proposed name change, from 'The Cowboys' to 'The Androgynous People Who Raise, Care For, and Nurture Cattle.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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