SNYDER'S LAST STAND, LANDOVER, MARYLAND -- Responding to continuing criticism of racial insensitivity, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder has announced the franchise has changed its nickname to the Cowboys.
"There, happy now! The best thing is, we came up with a name that we know we can make a lot of money off," Snyder, wearing a new 10-gallon hat that made him appear to be 5 feet tall, said during a hastily-arranged press conference Friday at FedEx/Cowboy Field. "We're selling jerseys, helmets, other athletic wear. We've suddenly become 'Native America's Team' by getting a lot of pissed off Injuns off our backs."
The name change was endorsed by a number of Native American advocacy groups, professional rodeo riders and calf ropers, ranchers mooching off government land and most importantly, Snyder's harshest critic, the Rev. Al Silverheels.
Snyder said he expects some opposition from Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, considering the organization makes billions from its Cowboys name and merchandising.
"I'm sure Jerry will try to stop us with trademark infringement arguments and other such nonsense," said Snyder, "but Jerry will have to learn to share the wealth, and his star."
Jones, when contacted snorkeling off the coast of Arkansas, said he will have to study the legal ramifications of Snyder's move and what recourse the organization may have.
"Damn little hobbit prick, trying to steal my name. He's delusional!" said Jones. "Jerry Jones IS the Cowboys. I came up with the name myself, won Super Bowls as the NFL's top coach and general manager and built it into the prestigious, marquee industry it is today. I mean, it's bigger than religion!
"And there's no way he's taking my star, but he can have Tom Landry's old hat."
Meanwhile, back at the beltway, Snyder said a distinction will have to be made between the two teams when NFL broadcasters refer to the Cowboys, Snyder said.
"Chris Berman can just call us Native America's Cowboys and call them the 8 and 8 Cowboys.''
Snyder is eager to be part of history, as the first Cowboys vs. Cowboys match-up should be epic.
"Monday Night Football, Suzy Kolber nearby gently messaging her microphone, me and Jerry, midfield, shirts off, extra ED meds, firmly shaking hands, seeing who can bring the other to his knees first."