Written by E. Williams
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Monday, 28 April 2014

image for Text Walking to Become New Olympic Sport
Thumb warriors to invade 2016 Olympics

Rio de Janeiro - Text walking will become the newest sport to be part of the Olympic Games starting in Rio in 2016. The act of texting while walking has never been considered a sport but since so few people get killed while performing the act, Olympic officials assume there must be some skill involved in the activity.

While still a relatively new activity in some parts of the world, millions of people navigate their daily lives while having their eyes and attention diverted to their handheld devices for hours on end. Miraculously, only a small number of these self-absorbed people end up in the hospital or worse from the activity.

"I've had some close calls," commented a member of the U.S. Olympic Text Walking team, "I've nearly been run over by buses several times and, one time, I nearly walked off a steep embankment over a river which would have been brutal. I swear I must have a cellular angel watching over me!"

The sport should provide quite a bit of entertainment in the next Olympics. 'Contextants', as they refer to themselves, will compete while texting in all the usual track and field competitions. Many expect the Text Walking high jump and Text Walking hurdles will bring in huge ratings for NBC.

Contextants will be racing the clock in many events just like traditional track and field athletes, but will also receive bonus points for the number of tweets, Facebook comments and Snapchat photos they post during the races.

Extra medical personnel will be on standby for the events to treat injuries to contextants as well as any pulled muscles suffered by spectators from laughing too hard at the inevitable trips and falls.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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