Written by Jack Allen
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Saturday, 17 May 2014

image for Particular Crimes To Be Ignored By Police During World Cup
England fans have been advised to wear the famous red kit to wipe up their blood

Millions of English football fans are predicted to be brutally attacked in a sexual manner this summer by an elderly owl in a poor physical condition and its players, but the Police Force have already stated that they will not investigate a single football related sexual assault case because "it'll be their fault".

Fans of English football and self-torture plan to sit on that same sofa, or go to that same pub, to watch England play in the FIFA World Cup nursing a patriotic semi. However, it is certain that they will all have their heads shoved down their sofas, or down a pub toilet, and treated in an appalling fashion, drawing direct comparisons from a particular basement scene from the popular film Pulp Fiction. Given the Police Forces' dubious reputation dealing with cases of serious sexual assault and knowledge sharing seminars with Brazilian Police on how to ignore serious crimes of a sexual nature, Scotland Yard has released an official statement about the matter.

"This event (the World Cup) has once again given an entire nation temporary amnesia. Some people have this condition permanently and they now have arseholes that resemble your toothless Nan's yawning mouth! We can't understand the people that get roped back into watching this major event with high expectations because when England lose they all cry like they've been treated like a drunken hooker at a stag party. Therefore, we will not be investigating any cases this summer".

Millions of fans are yet to comment negatively on what they believe could be the most magical summer of their lives. However, their summer on that same sofa, or at that same pub, will most likely lead to a rush of hemorrhoid rings being purchased on EBay.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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