Written by Karen Fish
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Thursday, 10 April 2014

image for Tiger Woods to Headline TEPCO Fukushima Open July 17-20 2014

Tiger Woods will headline the inaugural TEPCO Fukushima Open Golf Championship at the Jack Nicklaus newly designed Fukushima National Golf Course in Fukushima, Japan, the Japan Golf Tour Organisation announced today, April 10, 2014. The Fukushima Open will take place July 17-20, 2014, the same week as the British Open Championship, which will be held at the seaside Royal Liverpool (Hoylake). In 2006 Tiger Woods became a back to back Open Champion at Hoylake.

Asked about Tiger Woods' recent back surgery Japan's Minister of Sports Hakubun Shimomura said "Fukushima is under control. Tiger Woods' back is fine; Tiger Woods will quickly recover from a little back surgery. Sure he can't use the Harmon - Haney swing anymore because of his three knee surgeries, nor his Sean Foley swing because of his recent back surgery, but he has three whole months to recover from his back surgery and build a new golf swing, and if Ben Hogan can do it, then Tiger Woods can do it."

Asked about any difficulties encountered in building the new Fukushima National Golf Course in Fukushima Prefecture, Japan, the Golden Bear said "Due to the new golf balls and golf equipment Chien Soon Lu is now averaging 320 off the tee and the golf courses have been rendered obsolete. We at Nicklaus Design saw this as a golden opportunity to put some teeth back into our golf courses. This is why we have purchased the 2000 Fukushima radioactive water tanks to use not only in the rivers and lakes and ball washers here, but in all of our courses worldwide. The soil is radioactive and that is why each caddy will be provided with a magic wand."

The USGA and R&A have newly instituted Rule 4.1.69: "If a player plays from the water and dissolves instantly into a radioactive green goop, a two stroke penalty shall be assessed for disturbing the fans, especially the young ones." Tiger Woods has been given the honor of choosing the menu for the inaugural TEPCO Fukushima Open and he has chosen a delightful assortment of Fukushima fish. Since Japan has no military the United States military will be honored on every green with members of the USS Ronald Reagan officiating, bleeding from their eyeballs, vomiting their guts out and thoroughly freaking out the worldwide television audience, especially the young ones.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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