Didier Drogba has tonight revealed a sensational secret that could explain his recent success at Galatasaray. He said that he has learned that success on the football pitch is not about training, and it is not about teamwork, it is, apparently, all about dressing like Tigger from the Winnie Pooh Stories in training sessions.
"Every time I pull on my stripy orange, brown and red training strip, I summon up the spirit of the mad Tiger, and I channel the energy of the Bounce, and then I just go mad. Bouncing here, there and every where just like Tigger, and I score goals that not even Pele could have scored"
Coach Stavros at Galatasaray football club has reluctantly confirmed this to be true, and revealed himself to be the creator of the Tigger Spirit Training Technique. He said he developed the method whilst watching Disney films at home with his children. This was when he became aware that his 3 year old son's energy levels were boosted 100% after just one 10 minute viewing session of the Stripy creation. His wife said that Tigger was a bad influence and made their son hyperactive, but Stavros saw the potential and he introduced the spirit of the Tigger to his training session.
At first he just mentioned Tigger occasionally when the team where losing, but the spirit of the Tigger had such an immense effect that they began winning every game in the Greek football league. Everyone wanted to know how Stavros's team were doing it, but Stavros told his players not to tell anyone because Tigger is such a generous chappy he would go help anyone who needed his help and not just them.
So sadly he had to turn down their request to dress up in Tigger onesies in training Sessions incase their competition found out about their secret weapon. Instead Stavros bought them subtle stripy tiger coloured tops that made them feel like Tigger, whilst not making them look like complete prats. He said the result has been so fantastic that other teams are showing signs that they want the stripy effect too.
This has been most apparent at Hull City, where owner Asem Allem tried to get his team name changed to Hull City Tigers. But of course his attempt failed, because he got the name wrong. He should have asked for the name to be changed to Hull City Tiggers, not Tigers.
"Tiggers are very different from Tigers," said Coach Stavros. "There's more of a bounce to them. And it's the bounce that wins the games."
Jose Mourinho was yesterday overheard to say "I am the special one, but I won't be special for much longer unless I harness the power of the bouncy one. Someone get me Didier Drogba on the line."
Didier Drogba has said he will play for any team who will allow him to dress up in a Tigger onesie in training. Jose Mourinho is said to be considering it.
By Katarina Frogpond