The ex-England footballer Paul Gascoigne has tonight revealed he has been left devastated by the loss of his favourite fishing Rod. The fishing rod is said to have been especially dear to the Italia '90 hero because it had been signed by every single Newcastle United Player ever to have ever been on Match of the Day. Yes, that's right...just Alan Shearer. But he signed his signature in very large handwriting and he wrote it with two pens. A black one and a white one to match the colours on the shirt they both played for. So it was a bit special.
Paul last saw the fishing rod on Friday afternoon when he went for a quick fish and a picnic in Leeza's park, next to the football park formerly known as St James'Park. He said he just closed his eyes for two seconds because the sun was so shiny and it was gone. He didn't hear a splash, but he did see Cheryl Cole running away from the scene of the crime.
He said he knew it was Cheryl because she accompanied by the Black Eyed Peas legend Will.I.Am.
"I'm not saying I don't understand why she did it, like," Paul was heard to say. "It was a reet canny looking fishing rod. I think I might have stolen it meself if it wasn't already mine... But I'd like it back for a very special reason."
"What's that then Gazza" his friend was heard to ask.
"It's the one am taken to the World Cup. It's my Super Amazon Catfish Fishing rod for catching super big Amazon Catfish with. If I don't have it, a canna go to Brazil. And I was expecting to get a game too."
"Really Gazza?" His friend exclaimed.
"Aye," Paul Gascoigne replied "I was speaking to Gary Lineker and he said the England team were rubbish, and me and him are on standby for a call up coz England are that desperate for anyone who can kick a ball in a straight line. But like a say, without me Super Amazon Catfish fishing rod, I canna go."
So tonight English police up and down the country have been searching for Cheryl Cole who is now officially on the run.
Rumours are abounding, though, that she didn't just steal Gazza's fishing rod because she liked it. She is said to have nicked it because she has recently become a Brazilian citizen, and they only allowed her her citizenship because she agreed to do everything she could to help her new country win the world cup. And that meant preventing Gazza from getting on the England team.
Pele confirmed tonight that he had heard that secret plans had been put in place to prevent the England player from setting foot in his country, but he said he hadn't thought they'd go this far.
"I do agree" He said. "That even at 50, with arthritis, and a wooden leg, Gazza is still the best England footballer England have had in 20 years, but I would never have stolen his fishing rod. No man would do that. Only a woman would do that."
Cheryl Cole's granny was said to be horrified by the suggestion that her Grand daughter would betray Newcastle and England.
She said "Eee. I canna believe my Cheryl would do such a thing. Stealing a fishing rod from a Geordie hero. I'm going to disown her forever. She'll never get an extra Yorkshire Puddin' on a Sunday at my house ever again. She's a bad lass."
Cheryl Cole was unavailable for comment today but Will.I.am said "Never heard of Gazza. Never heard of fishing rods, or Newcastle. I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta go get the party started at my friend's house in Brazi...sorry, did I say Brazil. Meant Basingstoke... Bye."
By Katarina Frogpond