Written by Paxton Quigley
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Friday, 21 February 2014

image for The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014: Part 3 Roy's Scouting Trip
FIFA claims "Manaus stadium on schedule"

Did you see it? Did you bloody see it? He looked like he was on holiday in Southend not visiting a building site in Manaus. No style, stupid 99p Store shades, long sleeve shirt, all buttoned up and I bet he was wearing flannels and a vest. I suppose we're lucky he wasn't wearing a blazer. How can the FA send out someone to Brazil looking like the archetypal Englishman abroad? I ask you.

Get a grip, Roy, spend some money on clothes at least. Get yourself some Ray-Bans, some flip flops, floral shorts and a singlet. A bit of bling wouldn't go amiss too, a medallion nestling among your chest hair. That would do it. You know it makes sense.

Well, time's getting short now and there's a friendly against Denmark on 5th March. I hate bloody friendlies, there's no excuse for hacking down anybody, it's all just namby pamby passing about, pretty boy football. Things have been looking up for me in the last few weeks though. It was a bit difficult after I shagged the gaffer's missus, but he has been sacked and the board has brought in some Croatian twat who can't even speak the lingo, although his wife is a fit milf. It makes team talks difficult but he knows bugger all about the English game so he's given me a fair crack of the whip and now I've had a couple of Europa League matches against NK Maribor and KRC Genk. I mean, who the hell are they? Never mind, it's matches under the belt and Roy was watching me. I suppose it was me as the rest of the team is cut-price Bulgarians and Peruvians.

Roy had better put me in for that match. We're short of top quality in midfield but I can play in the hole and I'm good in the box, just ask the Doncaster Belles squad. Hehe! I'm sure you know what I mean.

Less than four months to go now. Come on Roy, I'm on tenterhooks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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