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Tuesday, 18 February 2014

image for Entire Houston Astros Organization Suspended 50 Games for PEDs

In a shocking press release earlier by Major League Baseball, the entire Houston Astros organization has been suspended 50 games for testing positive for use of banned substances by the league. Reported cases of positive banned substance tests have been down since MLB instituted the latest drug testing policy with long term suspensions. However, the Astros set some sort of record by having every single one of their players, and coaches, test positive for use of Performance Enhancing Drugs, also known as PEDs. Officials first thought there must have been some sort of error, but further testing revealed the original findings to be correct.

Officials later approached the Astros organization to discuss the findings. In an even more surprising turn of events, Astros officials confirmed that they had taken and distributed steroids to all players, and even endorsed their decision. Here is a direct quote from their Media Relations Manager, Steve Grande; "The Houston Astros organization is aware of the positive tests for banned substances and we will accept the 50 game suspensions for our players and coaches without appeal." Players, coaches and front office members were put on gag order to keep from speaking about the matter. The following was finally released from the Astros Organization.

"As you all know by now, we, the Houston Astros, have been put on 50 game suspensions by Major League Baseball for testing positive for banned substances as listed by Major League Baseball and the Player's Union. We accept the discipline brought forth and will begin our suspensions immediately. We knew this year was going to be a tough one, and we would probably come in last in the National League Central race again, as well as possibly lose a record number of games. So instead of putting our fans, players and entire organization through the misery of being a lackluster team, we have decided to take the first 50 games off and try to improve the product we bring to the great city of Houston. We greatly appreciate your thoughts and ask that you be patient as we will be back in Major League action around the 1st of June. See you soon, and Go 'Stros."

Astros Veteran Pitcher, Chad Qualls, had this to say about the events: "I'm glad we did it. We are finally doing something as a team. Plus we all got a little bit stronger and healthier with the steroids. And now we have two extra months of vacation. You can't beat that! As for our state, go check out the Rangers, they know how to win." Other players weren't so gung ho about the situation. Rookie catcher Max Stassi said, "Well now what am I going to do? Not only can I not play for a crappy team, but now I can't plat at all. I need money, and now I have to go back to cleaning out the ball pit at Show Biz. Only place I could find some work."

The Astros were sure to lose a lot of games this year. And they have just ensured a way to lose 50 of those games by team unity. I guess sometimes to win together, you have to lose together. I don't know if this strategy will work for them, but at least they are trying something. They are striving to get back to the mediocre team they once were. Until then, there are 29 other teams to watch. I'm sure some of those teams are interested in winning.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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