SOCHI, RUSSIA - The entire USA Olympic skating team announced today that they are gay. Terrance Nigel Theissen, USA Olympic Spokesperson, stated that they made the decision today to come out in order to answer any questions that viewers might have about the possibility that any of the remaining skaters might be straight.
Controversy arose yesterday when top pairs skaters, John Jones and Lisa Monroe, completed their long program that left viewers wondering if the two were romantically involved. The performance was intimate and emotional, with John leading in a very masculine and powerful way, while Lisa was demure, graceful and sultry.
Immediately after the performance, Terrance announced that the routine was disgusting and a disgrace to the entire team. The two controversial skaters were immediately eliminated from the team.