Sochi, Black Sea - Competitors at the Russian Winter Games have complained about the 'pathetic' quality of floral bouquets and an estimated 99% iron pyrites content of so-called gold medals being doled out on the winners' podium.
"Mostly poison ivy and crappy mugwort blooms," Brit team curling hopeful Iris Ringlet commented, "with a few staining nettle stems thrown in for good measure."
A series of cost-cutting measures have seen the traditional Olympic Gold Medal relegated to a gilded fools gold amulet after a consignment of the precious metal destined for the Winter Olympics was 'lost in transit' somewhere near Bloodyvostock according to Olympic auditors monitoring stuff.
Also criticised is Russian Olympic officials' lack of mouthwash training for the prestigious sporting event with winners' podium athletes complaining of rampant halitosis during compulsory kissing on the presentation rostrum.
A 500ml bottle of industrial strength anti-bacterial sloosh-out costs less than two roubles (25c) at the local Sochi inconvenience store.