Written by Neil Levine
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Monday, 30 October 2006

image for Kenny Rogers Lets It All Hang Out
You've Got To Know When To Hold Them

Busch Stadium, St. Louee Loueye, Oh. Woe. - Detroit Tiger pitcher Kenny Rogers has been sent to the showers earlier than he wanted when the St. Louis Cardinals beat his team-mates four games to one.

"I gave it my best. It just wasn't enough." Rogers boasted. "I am willing to keep on pitching a winning hand but the rules sometimes get funny and annoying. Personally I like the good old days when they kept on playing and playing until somebody dropped the ball."

Reminded of all the errors made by his pitching team-mates, Rogers effusively apologized, "Everybody is entitled to the error of their ways, just so long as they don't make a practice of it and it doesn't cost me any cheese and smile when I say cheese.

"They accuse me of having nasty stuff. Of playing chin music. What can I say? The best defence is a good offence. Boy, can I be offensive! Ever tried to grab a snake by the tail. Let me tell you that's something you don't want to see me have a handle on.

"All I'm going to say is let me at them. I'll murder the bums. Don't believe me? Better luck next time. Just don't get my goat. That really hurts. Oh, the injustice of playing Cards with a losing hand. Maybe if I had better spin control or media handlers. Oh, well, I guess I'll have better luck next time and wait until next year."

After storming into the locker room, tossing clothing and equipment randomly out of his way, he shouted back to reporters, "Don't forget, all's fair in love and war and in baseball we have impartial arbiters. It's written into the contract."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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