New York - American football fans can expect to experience a kinder and gentler Super Bowl on February 2. The NFL Commissioner's Office has developed 10 "super" rules designed to make the world championship game "safer yet more exciting than ever."
1. A player is allowed to absorb only one concussion per quarter.
2. The Super Bowl teams must devote one hour of training per day to snow shoveling technique.
3. Shouting out violence-provoking terms like "blitz," "spear," "bomb," "sack," and "Belichick" is left up to Joe Buck's discretion.
4. Hazing rookie players is strictly prohibited, unless the ritual is performed on the new HBO reality series "Hazed and Confused." Check your local listings.
5. Tailgating Is permitted, but only with refreshments purchased at MetLife Stadium. These NFL Kosher™ snacks are harvested exclusively from concussion-free cattle and contain no traces of pigskin.
6. At the conclusion of the first quarter, there will be a special ceremony to retire Tim Tebow's number, if anyone can remember what it was.
7. The penalty for a horse collar tackle Is increased by two lengths. ,
8. Carriage rides through MetLife Stadium's park-like lots will still be permitted as long as a Clydesdale, a case of Budweiser, and a pair of red panties are involved.
9. If the weather outside turns frightful, the halftime show will be replaced with a snow blowing death match, pitting Lady Gaga against Madonna. We'll find out once and for all which one blows the most.
10. At the conclusion of the third quarter, a special ceremony will be held to retire Jets owner Woody Johnson's checkbook. "I found out after spending millions that you can't get to the Super Bowl using a Band-Aid approach," the Johnson and Johnson CEO said.
After announcing the special regulations, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell went under the replay hood for a final review of the legality of the new rules. He has yet to emerge, apparently still considering installation of a weatherproof roof on MetLife Stadium.
However, the league's new Director Of Security & Wagering, Vincent "Vinny the Broom" Smith, doesn't foresee any problems. "Youse should follow the new rules and nobody has to get hurt."