Written by Paxton Quigley
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Wednesday, 18 December 2013

image for The Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014: Part 2, Roy's Whinge
Tough luck, Rio.

So, "England supremo" Roy Hodgson says playing a World Cup match in Manaus is "not ideal", but he does accept that games must be spread around Brazil. What a moaner, apparently temperatures there reach 30C, while humidity is about 80% so he thinks that the squad will suffer and we have to travel 1,777 miles to the Amazon from our base in Rio. I say "we" because I'm certain I'll be on that 'plane when it leaves Heathrow.

Let me tell you this, some of us Premier League players can well and truly cope with heat and humidity. There's nothing hotter and sweatier than a boozed up midday session on an Ibiza hotel balcony knobbin' a bunch of skinny Essex girls with JT, Lamps and Cashley and I have the home movies to prove our staying power, believe me. Give us 10 minutes and we're back for more, hehe!

Bloody hell, gotta be careful now. I'm trying to keep a low profile after my last column. It seems that Roy has taken umbrage at my less than flattering comment on his glorious playing career at Gravesend & Northfleet and he's trying his damnedest to unmask me. He's been asking all the managers if any of their England players has been shagging their missus and he's opened a real can of worms there. It seems that half of their trophy wives just can't resist an away match when the coast is clear and quite a few of the lads have been putting one over the boss, so he's finding it hard to pin me down.

Roll on Rio. (The city not the ManYoo crock.)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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