Written by Monkey Woods

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Topics: David Moyes

Thursday, 31 October 2013

image for Moyes Quits!
Moyes at work before her decision to quit

The world of Manchester United Football Club was shaken to its very foundations earlier today when it was revealed that cleaning operative Madge Moyes, newly-recruited to the cleaning pool in the summer, had quit.

Moyes, 50, who had only been at Old Trafford since July, told a conference of fellow skivvies that things just weren't working out, and that she thought it was the right time for herself and United to go their separate ways.

According to one witness, Moyes said:

"I came here in the summer full of hope for the future, but everything's gone to shite!"

She went on:

"I'd been looking forward to getting that dust from behind the lockers, freshening-up Sir Alex's old office with some lemon scourer, and making some inroads with the scum at the tidemark of the team bath, but that's cleaning for you! No two days are different!"

She highlighted some of the reasons for her swift exit:

"I've not felt comfortable from the start. First there was that row I had with Cynthia over the mop, and then I left the top off the bleach. To round things off, last week, I hurt my fingernail when I picked up a broken hairdryer that was lying around."

United executives appeared stunned by the news of Moyes' resignation, but vowed to find a suitable replacement quickly. One said:

"This is the biggest club in the world. We will consider our options, and hope to have someone in place for Sunday's game against Fulham."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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