Written by Jordan Alexander
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Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Although not evident to the primarily human audience of the National Football League, beach-dwelling birds across the country are incensed at being referred to as "Seahawks."

A survey of 1,034 birds, game, and fowl revealed that 64% are "very offended" at the use of "Seahawks", and another 28% are "somewhat offended." The remaining 8% of respondents either lacked the cognitive development to understand the question, or did not have sufficient talons to grasp a pen and check the appropriate box.

"This is an extremely offensive term among the ornithological community," said Bill Robins, President of the National Audubon Society.

Founded in 1976, the Seahawks have been an NFL mainstay in Seattle, and have distinguished themselves as one of the top teams in recent years. However, the success of the franchise has done nothing to quell the birds' disgust.

"Calling us 'Seahawks' implies that we're warlike, aggressive, and that we swoop down to secure our prey. I don't even remember the last time I swooped!" exclaimed Jay McBeak. "And have you seen that logo?! If that isn't the most vulgar depiction of a bird I've ever seen, then I don't know what is."

Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson had a different take: "I don't really see what's so bad about it. It's been this way for 37 years, and it's never been an issue until now. I don't think any of the players or coaches have a problem with the name."

Birds nationwide were flabbergasted at Wilson's ignorance and nonchalance regarding their plight. "He just doesn't understand what we've been through over the years. He's normally such an upstanding guy, so it's surprising to hear him say something so blatantly distasteful," said a seagull who chose to remain anonymous.

Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman surprisingly didn't have an opinion on the matter, but did say that 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh must have something to do with it.

Despite the avians' overwhelming distaste for Seattle's nickname, no more than 3% of those surveyed were offended at the NFL's use of "Falcons", "Cardinals", "Eagles", or "Redskins".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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