GILLETTE STADIUM NEXT TO LOURDES - Robert Kraft has spared no expense in finding a way to put Danny Amendola back on the field as soon as possible.
The Patriots have decided to use alternative methods of medicine, usually seen in the New England area around the Red Sox whose assortment of Achilles tendons, Tommy John funny bones, and sleep apnea, has healed well to make a last-place team of 2012 a contender in 2013.
With the Patriots receiving corps depleted and with only untried rookies dropping balls and dropping like flies, the Patriots went to the best medical minds they could find. They needed a quick cure and went through the Red Sox medical staff always ready for the weirdest injuries.
On call, as usual, are acupuncturists who stuck needles in Amendola's groin to cure him. This seemed to aggravate his muscle-bound abductors who increased the demands on their kidnap note.
Amendola seemed to be more in favor of massage therapy, as recommended by Troy Brown on a local sports show.
Next came the Red Sox clairvoyants who noted that the injury was induced by someone like Rex Ryan sticking pins in a doll right before the game.
The best chanters of the Caribbean were called upon to sing a cure and hum a few bars over the offended groin area-and Amendola responded to treatment with alacrity.
As a result, the Patriots now believe Danny does not need to go under the notorious Gronk knife, a silver plated scalpel that has sliced up Rob Gronkowski's back and arm several times.
Amendola was less than enamored of the idea of a scalpel cutting along the dotted line near the family jewels. Instead, a flight from Lourdes arrived in time for Amendola's shower.
The miraculous cure included a cold sponge bath with holy water. It did the trick. He will return in several weeks.