Written by Samuel Vargo
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Wednesday, 18 September 2013

image for Passing on Football, Rev. Tebow's Now a 'Rattlersnake' Preacher

Tim Tebow isn't unemployed any longer. And he's gone from the game of football to good ole-timey religion.

No, he's no longer going to throw dying quail passes. Rev. Tebow's saving souls. Oh Brother, where art thou will soon be found behind the pulpit, with a rattling eastern diamondback in his hands.

Tebow has always been very religious. The fact that Mr. Tebow, uh, Rev. Tebow, has redefined himself deserves some notice. It's good to mention, too, that even FOX Sports, which leaves no stone unturned in the sports world, hasn't reported on it yet. FOX Sports is always on top of the game. Their indefatigable and comprehensive coverage of all things sports makes the average sports fan's head swim.

[Although FOX Sports.com published a horrid rant by some writer named David Whitley yesterday (see "It's Time for Tebow to Just Move On"), which in journalistic terms, was more pathetic and asininely amateur than any dying buzzard pass Tebow ever made. And it's about as fair and balanced as a game played against the Philadelphia Eagles at Lincoln Financial Field. The most lucid comment made in this commentary was this: "¿¿ ¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿.....¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿, ¿¿¿ ¿¿ ¿ ¿¿¿¿ ¿¿ ¿¿¿¿, ¿¿¿¿¿ 28-¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿ ¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿. ¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿. ¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿ ¿¿ ¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿." And this quote wasn't even Mr. Whitley's own words; no, he actually stole it from someone else's facebook page. And what's "28-" doing in there? Is this some coded virus to send a PC to the junkyard?]

Sadly, Tebow was celebrated in college not so much for a great arm, but as a powerhouse fullback. In all fairness, he was a damned good college quarterback. When push came to shove, he ran the ball. Most times, right up the middle. And he always hit pay dirt.

Even those who aren't big Gator or SEC fans couldn't help but admire Tebow's football fire. But then he was playing at the NCAA big-dog level. And in the mighty SEC, to boot.

A touchdown's a touchdown, whether it's made by a fullback or a fullback masquerading as a quarterback (or vice versa).

Upon graduating, Tebow held the SEC's all-time records in both career passing efficiency and total rushing touchdowns, and he's second and tenth (respectively) in in these categories in the NCAA overall. He was the first college sophomore to ever win the Heisman Trophy. That doesn't seem to be so great these days (since Johnny Football), but it was something worth bragging about in 2007.

Fast forward to the NFL, where quarterbacks that make the cut can hit a dime at 60 yards with scintillating spirals. Even as a Gator, Tebow wasn't known for long passes; he was accurate, but mostly threw shorter - 25 or 30 yards, tops. And in the Patriots' exhibition games, well, it looked like they could've pulled some guy hanging around a Boston bus stop to do the job Tim was doing. Even Bernie Kosar, who ran around like a billy goat with three broken legs, seemed to have a global tracking device attached to his arm. And Bernie would've rather put on the other team's jersey than run the ball up the middle.

***** 28- *****

Yes, Tebow's opened up a Pentecostal church right outside of Jacksonville, Fla., and a dismal showing for him to be picked up by the Jaguars never fazed him. Recently, a rally at EverBank Field to get Jaguars' management to consider saving Tebow from the NFL unemployment line had less attendees than a small box of donuts has donuts. Anyhow, Tebow said he wanted the church to be located in Florida, anyhow.

"I like the place," he said.

"I'm pretty quick with my hands. Always have been. Those rattlers don't scare me," Tebow admitted to this reporter. "I can throw around a six- or seven-foot rattlesnake like nobody's prodigal son. And I'm good at preaching the Good News. They can say a lot of things about me not being such a great quarterback these days, but they'll never be able to judge my character or my belief system in a Good and Gracious God," he said.

"I thought about it a long time and prayed about it, too. I don't want to play for the Moscow Black Storm and I certainly don't want to work for Gene Simmons and KISS, in their new expansion team, LA KISS. I appreciate the fact that Gene Simmons defends me and my Christian beliefs, but there's something very wrong with a sixty-some year-old man wearing black and white face paint and hammering on an axe like it was something to cut wood with, not a bass guitar," he said.

All are welcome to Religiously Rallying Around Rattlesnakes Church, particularly the poor in spirit and the poor in pocketbook, Tebow said.

"I empathize with those who have misfortunes. I've had some misfortunes, too, particularly lately in New England.

"Football's just a kid's game, anyhow, and it's a damned shame grown men take it as seriously as they do. Like it's a life or death matter. They better put down the booze and smokes, get off the couch, and do something other than watch football. It'll be a life or death matter then. Maybe some of them will join my church and see the Light," he said in a maudlin tone.

Not being one to be sidelined at all, Tebow catches his own rattlesnakes. He's already managed to collect more than 500 and is ready for his first Pentecostal debut as a self-ordained minister this coming Sunday. And to those not willing to believe, he says: "¿¿ ¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿.....¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿, ¿¿¿ ¿¿ ¿ ¿¿¿¿ ¿¿ ¿¿¿¿, ¿¿¿¿¿ 28-¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿ ¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿. ¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿. ¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿ ¿¿ ¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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