BALTIMORE, MD - NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, shocked the cable news networks today with the announcement that the NFL will now require all NFL players to have a criminal background.
After multiple high-profile crimes committed by NFL players (Aaron Hernandez, Michael Vick, Ben Roethlisberger, etc.), many had expected Goodall to announce a policy that would penalize criminal behavior, but Goodall went the other way.
In a press release issued today, Goodall stated:
"The NFL has a sacred responsibility to our viewers, fans and players. Nobody wants to see a bunch of panty-waisted candy-asses playing football. People want to see uneducated thugs beating the crap out of each other. That's why we will now require all NFL players to provide proof of their criminal background. Murderers and rapists will now receive bonuses for each felony they commit. This will ensure that the NFL will continue to have a reputation as the baddest sport in the world".