Written by Moe Nightwalker
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Tuesday, 3 September 2013

image for College Football Analyst Lou Holtz's Giant Ears Now More Distracting Than His Lisp, Say Fans

In a national poll of college football viewers, former coach and current ESPN commentator Lou Holtz is the most difficult analyst to watch for the fourth year in a row. Coach Holtz's noticeable lisp had been responsible for his top rating in the polls in previous years. This year, however, viewers cited his giant and apparently still-growing ears as the reason they change the channel.

Fans are unlikely to get relief anytime soon. The coach has said repeatedly, "I'll never retire because if you retire, you never get a day off."

Poll respondents also pleaded with the sports networks to never pair Mr. Holtz with Lee Corso for any reason, fearing a total collapse of the sports commentating business.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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