Following Friday's 9-4 loss to the New York Yankees, Detroit Manager Jim Leyland filed an official protest with Major League Baseball. The charge: Yank's 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez is playing with a corked femur.
"He hit a standup triple off of Scherzer in the 2nd, and you'd swear the guy was 19 years old! He looked like the Roadrunner rounding the bases," said Leyland, in between packs of Marlboro's. "There's no way a 38 year-old user runs that fast unless he's had some help."
Leyland went on to say that he suspects that A-Rod's off-season hip surgery likely entailed having his femur bored out, and replaced with cork to allow him to run faster.
"In the old days, they used to do it with bats to increase the hitter's bat speed. But the technologies have changed...," said the Tiger skipper as he flipped the Kenny Rogers cassette tape on his Walkman while enjoying a post-game smoke. "He's running like a deer. There's no doubt in my mind, he's corked his femur...maybe both of em."
Leyland says he filed an official protest with the league office, after his pleas to Umpire Crew Chief Joe West fell on deaf ears.
"Well...Leyland wanted me to send A-Rod to get an x-ray, or an MRI, or something...to see if he had a corked leg," said West, who was voted as the 4th worst umpire in the league in 2006 by MLB players.
"Poppycock! Said I...," added West as he chewed on a post-game thick pretzel...the kind with lots of butter and cinnamon.
MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said the league will take the accusation seriously, and plans on looking into the matter, to the extent the collective bargaining agreement will allow.
"We'll investigate...then threaten...then threaten some more", said Selig. "Then if the evidence supports it, propose a 612-game suspension. Then back down a bit...then probably threaten some more...all in the best interest of the game."
Rodriguez, who appeared particularly buoyant in the clubhouse whirlpool after the game, only had this to say when questioned about the protest:"I'm only here to talk about baseball now, and how glad I am to be with my teammates. There will be a time to talk about these accusations, but now is not it," said Rodriguez as he floated on top of the bubbling water.
The Yankees series with the Tigers continues on Saturday. First pitch 1:05pm.