Written by Bushman09
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Friday, 9 August 2013

image for MLB Bans Sunflower Seeds: Create Competitive Advantage By Lowering Cholesterol

"This game has no place for chewers, spitters, and cheaters..."

With those words, Major League Baseball Commissioner, Bud Selig lowered the gavel on sunflower seeds in big league dugouts. MLB and the Players Association came to the agreement late last night to add the salty seeds to the list of banned substances under the Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program.

"It's a known fact that sunflower seeds lower cholesterol, help fight cancer, ease arthritic pain, and soothe nerves," said Selig at a news conference this morning. "In the best interest of the game, we can no longer allow players to enjoy the competitive advantages that sunflower seeds deliver."

Reaction from players and fans lit up the internet after the announcement:

"I think 'seeding' has put a stain on the game. About time they did something about it"-#1padresfan

"Those seeds are loaded with antioxidants and magnesium. It's late in the game, pressure situation...and some guy is so juiced on the magnesium, facing a 99 mph fastball doesn't even faze him. No stress. He just steps up and jacks a bomb. I'd say that's a huge advantage!"-cubswsbound!

"I've never chewed and spit myself. Ever. Evvvvv-errr." @arodyankees

"It was way out of control. I know one teammate who lowered his blood pressure by 20 points just by chewing seeds. Unreal." -therealdortiz

The MLB Dugout Attendants Association (MLB-DAA) applauded the announcement by releasing the following statement on their Facebook Page, " Great day in the bigs! No more sweeping seeds and spit for hours after the games! More time to read X-Men comics."

Sunflower seeds now join a long line of MLB banned substances including opiates, cocaine, LSD, HGH, stimulants, and most substances that end in either "rone", "lone" "ene", "ol", or sometimes "ine".

Selig announced that random testing would begin immediately and would include dugout and clubhouse site visits during games, complete with a canine task force specially trained to sniff salty fingers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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