Trenton, New Jersey -- Alex Rodriguez plans to put his experience as a professional cheater to work. He announced today the creation of Cheat America, a national network of storefront clinics, providing products and services that help cheaters prosper.
"Cheating is about more than baseball or sports," Rodriguez said. "How about cheating on your taxes? Or cheating on your spouse? Or on your rivals at work?
"The possibilities are endless, and Cheat America will provide what you need to cash in. Just like we big-time sports stars and hot celebrities do. The difference is we make cheating affordable for the average American."
To keep things simple, Cheat America is offering several pre-packaged scams that make cheating a do-it-yourself project. Detailed instructions are included as are any props or computer codes necessary to the success of each scheme.
Among the cheat kits now available are these top three:
The H&R Blockage Pack
Provides a special code that "sequesters" your tax returns, making them virtually invisible to the IRS. Reports one happy user: "They can't fine what they can't find."
Pack of Lies
An assortment of 1001 tall tales, fibs and outright whoppers, designed to enhance scams of all shapes and sizes. Recently used by national intelligence director James Clapper, who marveled: "These are so much better than the reality of any situation that I may never tell the truth again."
Don't just cheat on your spouse, make a global production of your infidelity. Establish alter egos. Create nasty videos and photos. Tweet the world to show everyone how you're taking matters into your own hand. And when your caught red-handed, just call it a love story.
Cheat America franchises will soon be offered in major cities. "If you like a good lie when you hear one, maybe you have what It takes to run a Cheat America clinic of your own," a company spokesman said.
"Just remember, we're going to have to cheat you on the price and on every other element of this offer, so your franchise will probably fail due to lack of funding and an overabundance of integrity. Don't say we didn't warn you."