Written by Paxton Quigley
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Monday, 29 July 2013

image for Blatter Boost for Women's Football
England's Fay White and Rachel Yankey model new home and away kits.

He was elected the president of the World Society of Friends of Suspenders in the 1970s. He incurred criticism from female footballers in 2004 when he suggested that women should "wear tighter shorts and low cut shirts to create a more female aesthetic" and to attract more male fans. His remarks were ridiculed in the press but Sepp Blatter, aged lothario and general secretary of FIFA is still wholly committed to women's football and to making it as popular as the men's game.

In his inimitable fashion, Mr. Blatter has now decided that the way forward is to market the women's game as a cross between beach volleyball and mud wrestling. To this end, starting in the 2013-14 season, pitches will be heavily watered all year round so that they churn up easily, making it hard for the women to keep their feet, and strict rules on attire will be introduced similar to those for female beach volleyball players.

Balls will be made lighter so that boots and socks will no longer be required, bare feet making it more likely that tumbling team members will end up smothered in mud. Periodically the women will be sprayed with ice cold water from fire hoses to make sure that nipples will be constantly erect.

The vote for the changes was carried unanimously by the all-male rules committee consisting of Mr. Blatter, Andy Gray and Richard Keys.

Said Mr. Blatter "we have today created a blueprint for the modern women's game which will vastly increase its entertainment value and result in more income for FIFA, my cronies and partners in crime."

Over a crackly mobile 'phone line from Sweden, the ladies' England team manager Hope Powell was quoted as saying "if that Sepp Blatter thinks he'll get away with this he can kiss my…"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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