Written by Trip Nasti
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Sunday, 21 July 2013

image for Rogers puts all Liverpool transfer rumours to bed
Jay Spearing in full flow

On a hot and humid evening in Jakarta an emergency press conference has been called. Liverpool football club's commander and chief, Brendan Rogers, sit's silently behind a bouquet of awaiting microphones.

To the left of Rogers sits club captain Steven Gerrard, to the right is club mascot Jay Spearing. The two Liverpool giants, and Spearing, sit silently and motionless, their skin varnished by sweat.

A nervous tension fills the press room. Reporters, journalists and photographers also fill the press room.

The press room is full.

Rogers clears his throat, Gerrard glares and Spearing puts his Capri Sun down in front of him.

"Hello", Rogers finally says, "thank you all for coming at such short notice".

Silence descends on the room.

"I've called you all here this evening to clear up a few things regarding the transfer rumours going around. Like I've said before, many times, Liverpool football club prefer to do all of their transfer business behind closed doors. However, speculation and the imagination of some journalists has meant that we are being linked with every footballer on the planet. As a consequence, and only on this one occasion, we, the club, have decided to be completely transparent and give you an idea of how we go about business and try to put some of these silly rumours to bed."

Gerrard and Spearing look at each other and nod in agreement.

"Firstly, Luis Suarez. Luis is a fantastic footballer, hungry for success and obviously wants to play at the highest level. Luis is simply not for sale but we have to date received two bids for the lad. Real Madrid offered £25 Million, whilst Arsenal offered us Santos and a £10 Waterstones book voucher. We turned down both offers. Glen Johnson really wanted that book voucher."

Gerrard and Spearing look at each other and wink in agreement.

"We have recently sold Jonjo Shelvey to Swansea for £6 million with the agreement that we will buy him back next season for £15 Million. Stuart Downing is going out on loan to Swindon Town, who are selling him to Leicester who in turn are loaning him back to us. Jordan Henderson is starting his 6 month stint at B&Q on work experience whilst Raheem Stirling and Daniel Agger have opened a kebab van on the M6 toll road. Despite not being able to work Saturdays anymore, Raheem and Daniel will still be available for our Sunday and Monday fixtures. Glen Johnson has been recruited by NASA on a one year deal. NASA have in turn provided us with theoretical physicist, Bret Cummings."

Gerrard and Spearing look at each other and lick their lips in agreement.

"Jose Enrique has, over the summer, become a rather successful country and western singer. Jose's tour of Texas starts in September, but he should be able to rejoin the squad in December. Martin Skrtel managed to get himself in to a bit of trouble with the Russian Mafia and so, to cut a long story short, he is off to Anzhi Makhachkala so we can have Joe Allen back, minus a couple of fingers of course. Lucas is now the king of the Boo-Boo people after stumbling across a previously undiscovered tribe whilst trekking through the Brazilian rain forest. Lucas hopes to be back with Liverpool next season, assuming the Boo-Boo people don't eat him first."

Gerrard and Spearing look at each other and suggestively rub their nipples in agreement.

"We have so far made bids for Titus Bramble, Sean Dundee, Jessica Ennis and Olly Murs. All bids have unfortunately been rejected."

Gerrard and Spearing look at each other and mouth "I want you" in agreement.

"And that, as dull as it might be, is that." Rogers confidently says as Gerrard and Spearing hoist him in the air to the cheers of the wildly clapping Journalists.

In other news, Manchester City have made a £300 Million offer for the 2013/2014 Premier League title. The offer has been accepted.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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