The most sensational transfer of 2013 has finally been given the green light. Wayne Rooney will leave thirteen time Premier League champions Manchester United for a all new challenge. North Ferriby United's new owner Sheik Hamu Abu Sabu Abu has pledged to drive the club forward with top class purchases and the England striker looks set to become Ferriby's first £200K a week player.
The Sheik first became alerted to Rooney's plight when the striker claimed he was "angry and confused". Whereas the rest of us understand that this is just how Wayne feels when the sun goes down the Sheik saw it as a cry for help.
"Wayne Rooney is the best player in the world and seeing his face all screwed up and contorted like he was trying to open a bag of crisps. I said to myself "I cannot allow this.". So with the grace of Allah I sanctioned the transfer."
Ferriby manager and local bus driver Keith Gray doesn't think Rooney will have too much trouble adapting to his systems and welcome's him to Ferriby:
"Wayne's a fantastic player who would grace any league in the world, but has decided, for footballing reasons I'm sure, to join us in the Burger King Premiership. I play a simple game with the aim to score more goals than the opposition. I'm sure Wayne will fit into that...."
But he had a stern warning for the England man:
"We aren't and we will never be a one man team. Just because Wayne's played for England doesn't mean he'll just walk into the first team. I mean we had a loanee from Burton here last year and he couldn't get in the team."
Local residents were planning a party to celebrate the signing with the church bells ringing out nine times in tribute to Wayne's new shirt number. Co-incidentally it will be the last time the bells are heard as they and half the village will be bulldozed down to make space for a private shopping centre for Coleen.