Fulham's new owner Shahid Khan hopes to build on the work of previous owner Mohamed "Al" Fayed by enforcing a strict new regime on his players.
Hirsute and moustachioed Mr. Khan was quoted as saying "I'm not going to cock this up like those bloody Venkeys at Blackpool Rovers, I know what I'm doing.
"For starters, I'm sure that Fulham fans have had enough of that bald-headed old bastard Fayed and his ridiculous antics and it's time to turn over a new leaf. Out goes anybody with less than a full head of hair, including that Dutch geezer who's supposed to be the manager and from now on I'll be looking out for players with respectable haircuts.
"I'm thinking of buying Fabricio Coloccini from Newcastle and Andy Carroll from West Ham straightaway so that we can get some style back into the club. I'll give the team two months to grow some facial hair and then I'll start to fine them on a weekly basis if they aren't shaping up."
Players were reported to be requesting an urgent meeting with the PFA.