Written by Samuel Vargo
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Topics: Fox

Friday, 12 July 2013

image for Fox Sports Outdoes Fake News Writers: Baseball Wife Throws Wild Curve Ball of Craziness

Just like a competitor in the fake news market in the U.K. recently had as a headline, Sometimes Fake News and Real News are Indistinguishable.

Yes, at times the truth is stranger than fiction. Even those who write fake news day-in, day-out, like prolific and funny Abel Rodriguez, couldn't come up with some of the crazy things people do. I guess some celebrities didn't get their fame and fortune for acting sane and lame - a few are as crazy and eccentric as H.P. Lovecraft, Howard Hughes, Alfred Hitchcock, and Salvador Dali.

And some are violent and very dangerous. Case in point: Anna Benson, 37, showed up at estranged husband Kris Benson's Smyrna, Ga., home Monday (July 8) wearing a bulletproof vest and carrying a gun. She demanded a big amount of cash - $30,000, in fact - according to Fox Sports.

Meanwhile, 38-year-od Kris told Anna to hold her holsters for a while. Somehow, he placated Anna with a comment that he needed to grab his wallet. Then, Kris surreptitiously scuttled down to the basement, dialed 9-1-1, and snuck off to hide in a nearby wooded area, Fox Sports reported.

Anna Benson showed up at her estranged husband's place "clad in black, wielding a knife and baton, and sat on the back porch smoking cigarettes while the cops were en route,." Fox Sports reported.

And it gets weirder. After the police came, they discovered Anna had "a black hatchet, a black taser, a bag of syringes and eight undisclosed pills." An ammo belt was strapped on her and it was filled with bullets. Holy smokes, Anna must have looked like a modern-day ninja warrior! When the cops asked Kris if Anna was really going to shoot him, he replied, "Maybe," adding she'd been very belligerent and out of control, according to ESPNNewYork.com.

Anna Benson used the expandable baton to smash a computer at the residence. She entered Kris Benson's home through the garage. Once inside, she pulled a handgun on Kris while he was in a bedroom.

And Anna's response when the cops arrived? She told them her baseball beau is "a f****** p**** (Fox Sports does not use profanity in its sports reporting, being a reputable news agency; but since this fake news writer isn't writing for such a stodgy outfit, I'll translate this cryptic message into her quote to mean her very significant other is "a fucking pussy").

Of course, I don't mean this, what Anna said about Kris. Actually, I think he was a very effective pitcher before he finished his career in 2010 with a losing record. He led the MLB in fielding percentage in 2005. Kris blames Anna for later negatively affecting his game and claims she was a distraction, according to Fox Sports.

Anna told police she was testing the bulletproof vest for a company that made the cumbersome thing - sort of acting as a human guinea pig (Just in case she was actually shot? She definitely came prepared, planning it out, so this may throw any 'insanity defense' way off kilter).

Anna also told police she had to wear the vest for long periods to get it to "mold to my body," ESPNNewYork.com reported.

Kris Benson filed for divorce from his voluptuous wife last year, but their split is still in legal limbo. They married in 1999, and Kris met Anna while she was a dancer in an Atlanta strip club. Anna garnished fame herself, having been a star on a short-lived VH-1 reality show that featured baseball wives. She posed topless for Penthouse and FHM Magazine gave her the title of the MLB's hottest baseball wife.

Recently, Kris was granted custody of the couple's three children, according to The New York Post. And as of this writing, Anna Benson is incarcerated in the Cobb County Jail in Marietta, Ga. The judge has not set bail. Anna Benson's been charged with two counts of aggravated assault and battery with a gun, possession of a firearm (in a felony), and criminal trespass, Fox Sports reported.

As I read this zany story, I had to double- and triple-check to see if my Bing homepage hadn't somehow set itself accidentally on The Spoof. I've been spending a lot of time here recently and this news item looked a lot more like fake news than real news. Then I realized it was Fox Sports' reporting. They write a lot of the sports articles for Bing and MSN. Fox Sports is the Jupiter, the Mount Everest, of sports coverage. They're the absolute best. Even better than ESPN; they're a regional and national leader. Fox Sports Ohio brings me my own NBA team all winter, the Cleveland Cavaliers. The Wine & Gold. This season those other NBA hacks better watch out, especially that renegade former Akron-ite who's hiding out in Miami.

I also realized Fox Sports took all the information on Anna's meltdown from police reports. Cops can't write fake news. They can't be jokesters or pranksters on these legal papers, which are considered governmental public records. Judges, prosecutors, and defense attorneys don't like this sort of thing. Neither do newspaper reporters and editors. Any cop that would do something so foolish as to write fake police reports, like the funny stuff you find here, would lose his badge and end up in the news. Such joking may even lead to a jail stay. No, police never try their wit at humor writing on police reports. Sardonic quips laced with slapstick actions and comic catastrophes or funny fiascos are off limits.

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Kris filed for divorce in July 2012 and his last hurrah in the majors was in 2010, when he started three games for the Arizona Diamondbacks. He was drafted by the Pirates in 1996 and debuted for Pittsburgh three years later. He played for the Mets for less than two seasons (2004 and 2005).

Anna Benson told Howard Stern, on Stern's radio/TV show (or whatever it is), that if Kris ever cheated on her, she'd sleep with the entire Mets organization. Poor Kris! What a freaking dragonlady! Even the Cubs, Reds or Indians might not have been so bad as his teammates! How mean-spirited can you get? During her interview with the self-proclaimed 'King of all Media,' she also said, "I have (guns) everywhere, I love them. Kris has a bunch, all rifles that I don't even know what they are. But I prefer my Glock and my .45."

"When I came to Kris, I had nothing - two pairs of panties and one bra. Suddenly, I found I was married to a millionaire," she said on another occasion.

A week after this bizarre incident broke, Fox Sports also reported that Anna Benson was featured on America's Most Wanted in 1996 after a national manhunt involving the murder of a Knoxville, Tenn., man. Anna, then 19, was apprehended two months later in Portland, Ore., with purple hair and a tongue ring. Her boyfriend at the time, Paul Dejongh, was sentenced to 21 years for second-degree murder and later died in prison; but Anna Benson, who was going by the name of Anna Warren then, was never charged, according to a New York Daily News exclusive.

Her lawyer at the time, Tom Dillard, told the Daily News that Benson's involvement was not criminal. "She didn't do anything. There was no miscarriage of justice. The state couldn't prove the case. There was no evidence that she was involved in assisting and abetting the shooter. She was frightened, as you could imagine, and left the scene with this fellow. That was the only problem she had," Dillard said, according to Fox Sports.

Michael Evans Sr., a nuclear engineer in Knoxville, told the Daily News he still believes Benson had something to do with the murder of his son, Michael Evans, a community college student preparing to enlist in the Navy. "She was definitely a part of the murder of my son. She's a killer," the father said.

And he had some foreboding words for Kris Benson: "This girl doesn't care about human life. She's a very dangerous person. I wish her husband the best. He made a big mistake," Michael Evans Sr., said, according to Fox Sports.

One of the nice things about following sports figures is people don't really care much about the wives of these celebrities. I can't understand who would even watch a show about baseball wives, football wives, basketball wives, etc. Guys only care about batting averages, if their team's over .500, and if their team won last night. But every once in a while, a sports' celebrity's wife eclipses everything the sports' figure did while he played. Anna Benson really went nuclear here. This much is evident.

So just like the sheriff in No Country for Old Men said while reading a newspaper in his favorite greasy spoon restaurant, "How can you make stuff like this up?" after he scans an account of a kidnapped tortured man who appeared suddenly out of nowhere naked, wearing only a dog collar. The sheriff asks a deputy standing at his table how could anything be stranger? The victim was rescued from being killed and buried so a madman could cash his Social Security checks. Weird and whacko, and all so evil. So I've taken it upon myself to take this real news item and slap it down on his fake news website. Why, I don't know, but this story wrote itself. Yep, this one's been all too easy, but if you missed the real news there, sometimes you can always read it here.

And of course there's always tons of really funny fake news here, too. Just silly nonsense written with the intention of giving you a good laugh.

Enjoy.

Make Samuel Vargo's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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