Written by Ossurworld
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Topics: Tattoos

Monday, 1 July 2013

Egyptologists have been brought into the Bristol County Jail to read the complex mishmash of tattoos on Aaron Hernandez.

Apparently the initial reading of the ink spots all over his arms, chest, back, and hidden areas, are provocative and perhaps incriminating. Some consider reading the tattoos of Hernandez like starting a long novel like War and Peace.

These runes are more complex than any message ever found written on the walls of the Anastasi cliff dwellings and rival those found at Stonehenge.

Scientists believe that on one forearm is a map of the island where Amelia Earhardt disappeared. On the opposite arm is the alleged last known address of Billy the Kid.

Gang experts say some of the tattoos contain cryptic references to the war between the Jets and the Sharks, though this could be a reference to the NFL rivalry with the Patriots and Jets.

Experts in tattoo symbols have been called to the jail from all over the country to read Hernandez's wrists before they are slapped with indelible handcuffs.

Piecing together the messages all over Hernandez's six pack ab body is like putting together the disparate pieces of the Dead Sea Scrolls. There are even references to the Sons of Darkness.

French symbolists are insisting that they have found at least one unknown poem written by Arthur Rimbaud around the armpit of Hernandez. Others insist they have found excerpts of Oscar Wilde's "Reading Gaol" in pictographic form below his beltline.

Images of Hernandez tugging on Superman's cape and pulling off the mask of the Lone Ranger are among the revelations during a penile search in the penal system.

Photos of Hernandez's tattoos have gone viral as everyone tries to find his name embedded somewhere in the spaghetti of images. Many think the tattoos could contain predictions of the future. One expert called this discovery more earth-shattering than the Bible Code.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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