Flushing, New York -- Looking to even up their below .500 record before the end of the season, the New York Mets have added an espionage expert to their roster.
He is the whistle-blowing traitor, Edward Snowden, and he will join the team as soon as he comes out of hiding or gets shot, whatever comes first.
In the meantime, Mets manager Terry Collins explained to reporters how he believes Snowden will help the team. "Sandy Alderson and Fred Wilpon take care of all our lying. But we're missing out on spying. That's where Snowden comes in."
Collins handed out a list of 10 reasons Snowden will be a valuable addition to the team…
1. He's good at stealing signs.
2. Able to tap an opponent's bullpen phone and distract them with prank pizza orders.
3. He can explain the difference between MetaData and YankeeData.
4. Runs really fast, as if the entire FBI and CIA were chasing him.
5. Knows how to play "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" on his whistle.
6. Compared to that other felon, Bernie Madoff, Snowden is a real peach.
7. He can get you a free drink and extra peanuts on most Aeroflot flights.
8. Shares his secret decoder ring and other cool spy gadgets with his friends.
9. You can never have enough lefties in the bullpen.
10. Uses his brainwashing capabilities only on laundry day.