Flushing Meadows, NY - The sport's governing body has responded to reports that Britain is planning to introduce 'secret courts' to prevent 'the misery' of long, drawn-out tie breaks at this year's Wimbledon championship meeting.
"Relax, guys, the Brits just don't have the balls for such a racket," ITA chief Lenny Hawkeye commented.
"Besides, it's no solution for loud grunters such as Sharapova who'd bring down the roof if confined to some sort of pokey, back-door hidey-hole arrangement."
The response comes following Rafael Nadal's coaching team's request for a review of Wimbledon's proposed emergency measures which are rumored to have been rushed through the UK Parliament under the controversial Ball Boy Racketeering Act.
Legal advisers are pointing out that during the Bush Administration years officials at the USA's premier grand slam tournament site fought tooth and nail to prevent similar covert measures to the current British proposal, going so far as agreeing to arm Gitmo's pesky unlawful combatants with their very own plastic bats.
This morning a petition signed by half a million fans has been delivered to the All England Tennis Club demanding a commitment to openness, transparency 'and no bloody secret courts'.
Martina Navratilova is 69.