Written by Spicewood
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Friday, 7 June 2013

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It's all about football at OSU

In a startling announcement today, the Board of Regents at The Ohio State University announced that since Don Imus had turned down the offer to take over as University President, they have unanimously agreed that since football is the cornerstone of the university, they are going to combine the Office of the President and the Office of the Head Football Coach, and that Urban Meyer will assume the additional position as president on July 1, 2013.

He will receive a salary of 5 million dollars annually plus a very liberal expense account and incentives for football games won, a victory over Michigan, athletes graduated and, as an added incentive, he will become CEO of Tats R'Us, a tattoo parlor franchise operation that is being run by ex-coach Jim Tressel.

In a surprise move, Regent J. Baxter Loughman proposed that the controversial The, in The Ohio State University be dropped, and the official name will revert to the commonly accepted Ohio State University. It was unanimously approved by the Board.

A fleet of Scarlet and Gray Segway's will be purchased and at the Coach/President's disposal to afford him easier access to the entire campus.

In a press conference, Meyer commented, "Hey, the football coach has always been more important than the president, and let's face it, we have been running this place for many years, so this is nothing new to me. Gordy was cute but he has been on his way out for a while. Is it hard to ride in one of those Segay things, they look like fun."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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