Wayne Rooney has hungs his boots on the nail and hammered them into his coffin, he's retiring! Dear Wayne has had enough of training, playing, sweating, taking the piss out of United fans literally, and earning 250.000,00 quid a week plus sponsor bonuses; he's just sick of it all.
He gave a press conference five minutes ago (things change rapidly at Man United these days after 27 years) and this is what he told the astonished bunch of waiting paparazzi commonly called hyenas:
"Like, I've had it guys, I asked Gazza how he became an alcoholic and he gave me some superb tips. Then I read George Best's autobiography and it changed my life. Now all I want to be from now on is the best ex-footballer to ever have hit the bottle."
Ex-Arsenal players, Tony Adams and Paul Merson, also gave him some tips how to begin and they sent him a crate of Jim Beam just to warm-up with.
Man United have not accepted Rooney's decision to quit, but Sir Alex Ferguson promised to talk it over over a few drams of best Scotch hoping that would change his mind because if anybody can drink Sir Alex under the table and survive they should certainly hang their boots up, especially after 27 years.
More as the shit hits the United fans when we get it...